How to Conquer the World

I've given this some thought. I mean I used to play Risk on my Mac SE 30 and got pretty good at it. The secret was to pile on to an island or Australia and charge your way up South East Asia and onward. But that's bullshit. If you really wanted to conquer the world, you'd do just the opposite ("The ol' flea flicker"). Yes you still need an island, but the trick is to get everyone to come to you... I'll explain.

If you look back in time, all those assholes who tried to take things over did it the same way. Amass a huge military and start branching out. Napoleon, Woodrow Wilson, those Germans, Japan, China, and of course Great Britain. Now the Brits and the Japanese had the right first ingredient. An island. But they eventually screwed it all up by spreading themselves too thin.

Here is my 19 step, time-saving, sure-fire plan to conquer the world:

1. Get and island. It doesn't have to be big, but it should be large enough to sustain and grow your legion of monkeys and apes.
2. Get a legion of monkeys and apes.
3. Start posting to craigslist and Twitter about how awesome your island is
4. Create a brochure about how awesome your island is. Spare no expense on the brochure, because the brochure is the key to world conquering.
5. Send out the brochure to travel agencies and truck stops for display.
6. When people ask about your island from your craigslist postings or twitter tweets, send them a brochure.
7. Create a Facebook Fan page about your island. (remember to make sure you have enough brochures to send out to your Facebook fans)
8. Start spreading rumors that there is lots of gold on your island. Deep in the jungle.
9. Update your facebook status about this gold.
10. Start accepting tourists and old timey miners to your island.
11. Open up a souvenir shop and gold mining supply store. Accept all major credit cards.
12. Print up a map to where the gold is deep in the jungle...
13. Make sure your legion of monkeys and apes are also deep in the jungle.
14. Let nature take its course
15. When people start asking questions about their loved ones and friends, tell them that there is so much gold on your island that everyone is staying longer so that they can get even more rich.
16. Begin to invite world leaders and dignitaries to your island
17. Gather them all in a room and tell them that they have been conquered.
18. Surround the room with monkeys and apes.
19. Congratulations! You have just conquered the world!