David Beach's Blog

Hello Noise

Here's an audio collage thing I made to pass the time. Good for headphones. Thank you and enjoy...

Hello Noise by quagmire

Video About Lung Cancer

Here's a nice piece done by the Bay Area's ABC affiliate about Lung Cancer. I encourage you to watch.

2010 Coachella Lineup

 

I've never been to Coachella. Perhaps I'm too old or too busy or don't live in SoCal. But damn I'd like to see this. Pavement for one. It's over my Birthday as well. Maybe I should treat myself. Anyone else going?

Besides Pavement... Yo La Tengo, Big Pink, Florence and the Machine, Deerhunter, Phoenix, Gorillaz, Edwin Sharpe, MGMT, Dead Weather, Yeasayer, PIL, Vampire Weekend, Them Crooked Vultures, and LCD Soundsystem hold my interest. I could give a shit about Jay Z. 

My Favorites of 2009

 

Albums

1. Flaming Lips - Embryonic
2. Passion Pit - Manners
3. Phoenix - Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
4. Paul F. Tompkins - Freak Wharf
5. The Drums - Summertime
   
6. Manchester Orchestra - Mean Everything to Nothing
7. Decemberists - The Hazards of Love
8. Nirvana - Live at Reading
9. Dead Weather - Horehound
10. DJ Spooky - The Secret Song
11. Animal Collective - Merriweather Post Pavilion 
12. Neko Case - Middle Cyclone
13. White Denim - Fits
14. Florence + The Machine - Lungs
15. Yeah Yeah Yeahs - It's Blitz!
16. Dinosaur Jr. - Farm
17. The XX - XX
18. Sonic Youth - The Eternal
19. NASA - The Spirit of Apollo
20. Blakroc - Blakroc
21. YACHT - See Mystery Lights
22. St. Vincent - Actor
23. Eyedea & Abilities - By The Throat
24. Girls - Album
25. Lily Allen - It's Not Me, It's You
26. Rancid - Let The Dominoes Fall
27. Real Estate - Real Estate
28. Them Crooked Vultures - S/T
29. Thao and the Get Down Stay Down - Know Better Learn Faster
30. The Very Best - Warm Heart of Africa
31. Wilco - Wilco The Album
32. Amadou and Mariam - Welcome to Mali
33. Art Brut - Art Brut Vs. Satan
34. Stardeath & White Dwarfs - The Birth

Concerts

1. Flaming Lips - Greek Theater, LA
2. Blitzen Trapper - Rio, Santa Cruz
3. Meat Puppets - Rio, Santa Cruz
4. Pixies - Fox Theater, Oakland

Books

1. Anticancer - David Servan-Schreiber
2. Life Over Cancer - Keith I. Block, MD
3. Sweetness at the Bottom of the Pie - Alan Bradley
4. The Absolutely True Diary of a Part Time Indian - Sherman Alexie
5. The House of the Scorpion - Nancy Farmer

Apps

1. MLB
2. Rally
3. 12mail
4. Gowalla
5. Tweetie
6. Facebook
7. OmniFocus
8. ARGH
9. Peggle
10. Star Walk
11. Bing
12. eBay
13. Yelp
14. Guitar Toolkit
15. RedLaser
16. Map

TV Show

1. Late Night with Jimmy Fallon
2. Tim & Eric Awesome Show
3. Community
4. It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia
5. Parks and Rec

Movies

1. Up
2. Star Trek
3. Fantastic Mr. Fox

In New Mexico

 

I realize that I haven't written anything in a month. That's a little too long. Although I guess I need to evaluate what this blog means to me. I can do that later.

I'm sitting in a lovely home in the middle of the New Mexican wilderness. I'm North East of Santa Fe on the Eastern Slope of the Sangre De Cristo Mountains. It's not too "wild" but it's out there. It takes 2o minutes to get to a road that goes anywhere. 

We're here for Christmas. Just Jane, Audrey, Isaac, and me. The home belongs to some awesome friends. 

I needed to get away this year. I needed find a place to clear my head. I've had a rough year to say the least. I don't know if my head is clearing, but I feel pretty good. Since we're up around 7,000 feet, I've had some trouble breathing, but I'm getting used to it. Mostly I've shed some stress and have enjoyed the quiet. It's peace.

Our Christmas was white. It snowed most of the 23rd. That was a first. We went to Taos and a few other places. Today we're going to Los Alamos. Lots of driving, but it's not too bad. Well the kids might not agree. 

Recovering From Chemo, Surgery, and This Whole Cancer Mess

You have no idea how difficult it is for me to write. I'm not saying this to garner sympathy or any other emotion, it is what it is. The after-effects of chemo have slowed me down. Sometimes I feel like my IQ has dropped. I have a difficult time staying focused. It's an exhausting, physical effort to read or write anything more than a few sentences. I can no longer spell, my typing skills have diminished, I often miss entire words altogether. My fingers are sensitive (my toes are numb). And I have odd and frequent lapses of memory. This and more defines "chemo brain" for many people. 

But I can live with it. 

I'm not sure what else I was going to write. I started the above paragraph two weeks ago. I couldn't finish it. I think I was going to write more about recovering from the surgery and from the chemo. I'm doing better physically. I feel like I can do more and I'm in less pain. It's almost normal. I think my brain is better too. I can read more and I get less confused. This just means that things will improve. It's a good sign. I'm getting sharper. 

One issue seems to be a general lack of interest or enthusiasm for many of the things that I used to care about. All of a sudden I'm not easily impressed. Things have become less important. Most things. My passion has fizzled, Not that I don't care about stuff, it's just my priorities have changed. I've been told it has something to do with having a near-death experience. I've seen it all, so not much matters.  For example I don't care about money, or my station, or careerist things. I like to work and to do creative things, but I like to do them for the sake of doing them... not to get ahead or anything. I understand that this is common, which is why I'm mentioning it. 

This is about all I can write at the moment. I figured I'd at least attempt to finish what I started. I hope to write more soon. 

November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month

Break out your dingy gray ribbons because November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month!

Hooray!

No, you will not see a Lung Cancer Awareness iPod or cute lung cancer apparel, or little lung cancer teddy bears. There will be no product tie-ins here. No NFL games supporting lung cancer, none of that. Not that I'd want it. The exploitation of a disease to sell product, or boost brand, or for any other financial gain just doesn't feel right. But what do I know?

• Approximately 219,000 people are diagnosed with lung cancer in the U.S. each year – over 103,000 women and nearly 116,000 men.

• Lung cancer kills more than 160,000 people annually – more people than breast, colon and prostate cancers combined.

• Lung cancer is responsible for more than 28% of all cancer-related deaths every year.

• Smoking is the primary cause of lung cancer. Approximately 87 percent of lung cancer cases occur in people who are currently smoking or have previously smoked.

• Although the risk of developing lung cancer goes down with smoking cessation, a significant risk remains for 20 years or longer after quitting.

• Approximately 50 percent of all lung cancers (106,500) occur in people who have already quit smoking.

• Radon exposure is the second leading cause of lung cancer, and the leading cause of lung cancer among never-smokers.

• More people who have never smoked die from lung cancer than do people from AIDS or liver cancer or ovarian cancer.

• Risk factors for lung cancer other than those from smoking include lung scarring from tuberculosis, and occupational or environmental exposures to radon, second-hand smoke, radiation, asbestos, air pollution, arsenic and some organic chemicals.

• Only 16 percent of lung cancer patients are diagnosed before their disease has spread to other parts of their bodies, (e.g., regional lymph nodes and beyond), compared to more than 50 percent of breast cancer patients, and 90 percent of prostate cancer patients.

• Roughly 84 percent of people diagnosed with lung cancer die within five years of their diagnosis, compared to 11 percent of breast cancer and less than 1 percent of prostate cancer patients.

• Less money is spent on lung cancer research than on research on other cancers. In 2007, the National Cancer Institute estimated it spent only it spent only $1,415 per lung cancer death compared to $13,991 per breast cancer death, $10,945 per prostate cancer death, and $4,952 per colorectal cancer.

I don't know what the numbers are for people who have never smoked, never been around radon, never been around asbestos, or never been around much smoke. Like myself. More research needs to be done.

Visit the National Lung Cancer Partnership for more information.

Going Through Chemo

This is my story about what it was like to go through Chemotherapy...

Do the Chemo Stomp! on 12seconds.tv

I found out a few weeks after the surgery to remove the upper right lobe of my lung that Chemotherapy was recommended. I had a Stage 1b malignant tumor in my lung. Lung Cancer. It is not known how I got it. I don't know if I'm predisposed to cancer or what other factors I was exposed to that would have encouraged this growth.

After the surgery, the surgeon, as excellent as he is, did not think that I would need to have any other treatment, and seemed surprised when I told him that I was going to see an Oncologist the next day. In some aspects, he was correct. The surgery was successful in removing the tumor and the tests on my lymph nodes determined that the cancer had not yet spread. However there was one thing that was troubling. The tumor breached the pleural space between my lung and chest wall. It was a pretty aggressive tumor. I'm lucky they caught it when they did. 

It happened pretty fast at the Oncologist. He took me through my diagnosis and went online to show me what the most recent research said about my condition. It was very simple. I had 65% to 75% 5 year survival rate and a 2002 study showed that patients who were in the same situation as me and had adjunctive chemotherapy increased survival by 3% to 5%. However as the study continued, it looked as though there was no statistically significant gain in survival. It came down to a choice. Do I go through chemo for a possible 5% bump or not. My doctor put it plainly... "If it does come back and you know that you could have possibly done something to prevent it, how would you feel?" If it does come back, that's it, I'm more than likely a goner. It was a no brainer. Do the chemo.

I set up an appointment to with the infusion nurses to go over the procedure and side effects. They pretty much tell you every bad thing that can happen. Nausea, infection, shock, fever, fatigue, severe fatigue, etc. They tell you when to call the nurses and when to go to the emergency room. The main concern is fever. Anything over 101 is cause for alarm and probably warrants a trip to the ER. They also tell you to bring books, magazines, DVDs, your laptop, and any other diversion because you could be sitting there for a while.

I was to have four infusions over 12 weeks.  One every three weeks. I guess I was lucky because often times people get a lot more. They said I could have a treatment on a Thursday and be back to work the following Monday. Apparently people have no trouble with this. I was not so lucky. I tried this for a while, but the physical and emotional drain was overwhelming. I could get around between sessions and do most things, but it took twice as long and I needed lots of breaks. Work though, was pretty difficult. I'm not saying that a person going through chemo can't work, I did some things, but for me, I was at nowhere near the performance level I was used to. Granted I had slowed down the past year, probably due to the cancer, but I'm used to shouldering a lot. When I did go to work, I shuffled from meeting to meeting and stared off into space. After the second infusion I broke down a few times and just sobbed at my desk. I had no control over my emotions. But I didn't care, it felt good. My boss was more than understanding and let me take the time I needed. I'm still very grateful.

The worst part was the bone pain. I was given a shot the day after my infusion to boost the production of white blood cells and fight off infection. I think the stuff is called Neulasta. (Gee that sounds good! It's new and it will help me last!). This shit wreaked havoc on my bones. It felt like they were breaking from the inside. Like the worst growing pains. The pain lasted 3 days and even with Vicodin and Oxycontin I was super sore. I guess it doesn't affect everyone like this, but apparently it was better than getting an infection.

My hair started falling out after about 2 weeks. I would pull on it and strands would just fall out in my fingers. It was amazing. I first gave myself a mohawk and then when it looked like there was no turning back, I shaved my head. I recommend shaving your head before your hair falls out on its own. It lets you have some control.

My chemo sessions lasted 6 to 8 hours. I was given a bag of Benadryl then Carboplatin and Paclitaxel. It's a fairly simple and benign process. First you check in and are taken to an infusion room. For me this room was a pleasant, open space with about 8 to 10 leather reclining chairs lined up. Some people were already there by the time I showed up at 10AM. You sit down and the infusion nurse greets you and goes about trying to find a vein. After the second session and with all the blood tests I was getting this was a tricky prospect. I was poked 8 times on my third round because no veins were showing themselves. I imagine that they were needle shy. Once they get a good one, they set it up just like an IV. A bag of whatever it is they are putting inside you is hooked up to a pole with wheels. There is a tube that goes from the bag to a timed regulator. This controls the speed of the drip. Then there's another tube that goes from the regulator to the vein in your arm. After you're all hooked up, you just sit. And sit. You don't feel anything except maybe a bit of a burn from the Benadryl, but that doesn't last. Sometimes blood comes back through the IV and sometimes they have to wash it out with some saline. After all the hours and all the drips, they unhook you, tape you up, slap your bottom, and send you home.

You really don't feel anything right away. The next day is when I got that Neulasta shot, but nothing happens until the day after. This is when the bone pain starts. This is when you don't feel good. I got a sore throat, low fever, and nausea. But for me, the bone pain was the worst.

Then you just feel like you're living at high altitude. You are out of breath and totally fatigued. I remember trying to walk around and having to stop every 5 minutes. I remember losing my balance and falling over then using a cane for a few days. I remember trying to go to my kids' baseball and softball games. I remember looking like a freak. But most of all, I don't remember as much as I should. That's the troubling thing...

I wrote this in my journal while going through the process...

Infusion
They put bags of poison
in my veins
sat in a leather chair
stuck with needles
hard to find a vein
Infused with a syrup
that kills my cells
It makes me feel like
i'm living on a mountain
at 15,000 feet
hard to breathe
what the fuck is going on?
then my hair comes out in my
hand. then i'm bald
and sick.
It hurts so much to cough.
to breathe.
getting out of bed is hard.
But I try to be normal.
And live my life.
Because I feel it,
but I don't.
It's okay,
But it's not
Not until later do you realize
how rough it's been.
My brain has changed

Kizza me
I want to feel...

Let's kill him
so he can live
I've been resurrected!
Chemo is Jesus juice.
Thank you friends!

My next post will be about what has happened to me after Chemo.

Here are some links for reference. These are the sites my Oncologist used:

1. http://www.chemoregimen.com/
   
2. http://www.nccn.org/index.asp

Rockin' the Theremin

Download: Immigrant Song by Bab

I play the Theremin on this. It's the only recorded evidence that I actually play the crazy thing. I've been digging around my servers and found it. If you clip the url path on this track, you'll discover all sorts of awesome music made by my friends and that I've helped to produce.

The Color of Cancer

October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. This month you will see pink ribbons and pink promotions all over the place. Pink products, pink merchandising, and pink web sites. Yahoo has a ribbon and a cute, little bird animation next to the logo. At least they did. It's gone now. I absolutely think this is a good thing. At least the intention is good. My grandmother died of breast cancer and like you, I've known many other women who have passed because of it. I know others who are fighting it bravely right now. They will beat it, I know it. But something about all the pinkness seems off to me. I want people to be aware of breast cancer, but sometimes it feels like companies use the disease and the awareness campaign because it's fashionable or marketable and not because they really care about the cause. Yes they donate money and provide information, but they have to. They couldn't get away with it otherwise. I've been on the creative side of the marketing world for over 15 years and I've seen it. Branding or exposure or greed is the first motivation, the cause comes in second.

Pink has a lot to do with it. Pink is a very marketable color. People like pink. Pink sells. Pink is also a feminine color and breast cancer is a feminine cancer. Except that men can get breast cancer too. It's true, but I'll let that slide.

Who chooses these colors? Red is the color of blood, so let's make that the AIDS ribbon color. Ladies get breast cancer, so naturally it must be pink (I know lots of women who hate pink). Prostate cancer is blue for boys, and guess what the color is for bladder cancer... you got it... Yellow! I don't think the person in charge of these ribbon colors is very imaginative. Perhaps they are even a tad inconsiderate. At least the color for colon cancer isn't brown.

November is Lung Cancer Awareness Month. Quick! What is the color for lung cancer? Tick tick tick tick ding! If you guessed gray... then you would be half right. The official color for lung cancer awareness is "pearl". Is pearl even a color? It's sort of a wispy blend of white... wait! Kind of like SMOKE! They did it! They linked the awareness color for the most deadly cancer in the world to what everybody thinks causes that cancer. Yaaaaay! Fuck you person who thought of this. How about green for fresh air or light blue which represents, oh I don't know... FRESH AIR? Hell, the color of healthy lungs is pink... so why not pink?? Fuck you and your inconsiderate color bias.

Come this November, you will not see lung cancer iPods, or gift items, or pearl ribbons on Yahoo or Football games dedicated to the victims and survivors, or hardly anything like that. People with lung cancer deserve what they get. They did something, it's their fault, right? They brought it on themselves. Apparently my crime was breathing. The stigma of lung cancer needs to be eliminated. It doesn't matter how you get it, it's an awful, awful thing have. Most of the time, when you're told you have it, you're guaranteed to die within months. So don't think about it as a smoker's problem. It is not. It is not. It's deeper than that... Because of this stigma, lung cancer research funding is much much lower than other cancers. Because of this stigma, early detection in non smokers is very rare. Because of this stigma the stupid color for the stupid ribbon is not really a color at all.

The Bonnie J. Addario Lung Cancer Foundation does a good thing. They use green and pink and totally ignore the "official" color. I like that. I think they get it. I support them and so should you. I find it interesting that most of the lung cancer or lung disease organizations reject the pearl thing. Even the American Lung Association uses red and blue. 

No matter what, if you can, please support breast cancer awareness this month. Even if it means wearing pink things. We need to look beyond the marketing to what the cause is really about... stopping a terrible and deadly disease that affects people we love dearly.